Okay, so... I guess it's not cancer?

The CT scan results are back and everything has gotten smaller! So yay! I will be meeting with my doctor on the 1st, but so far no one has said anything about this recent CT scan results. I'll wait to see if anyone feels the need to have me sign up for anything else. Another CT perhaps? (Recommended by the radiologist).

As I nervously anticipated the results to come back, I realized the biggest feeling I had was fear. After slowly letting go of the worry of cancer, accepting the fact that I perhaps was "okay" and didn't have to think about treatment, cancer, who knew and didn't know, all could be upended one more time if the scan didn't come back with good news. I was afraid that after preparing for cancer, mentally steeling myself for treatment, reaching out to and being supported by my people, and then slowly allowing myself to relax into "not cancer?" was just a trick of the universe and I'd be thrust back into that darker, worrisome place again. But thankfully, I got to make phone calls and send text messages saying "Great news! Things have gotten smaller and we can now say it's not cancer." What a relief. A physical relief, a mental woosh of lightness, a comfort of happiness and joy.

To not have cancer after living with the thought and experience of cancer for the last several months has been quite the roller coaster. There have been drunk morbid texts to close ones. Hours of emotional break downs and crying sessions. Momentous research and learning to equip myself with tools to help me, my loved ones, my body, my mind. Resources compiled. Conversations had.

I am so grateful for every person who sent a text, called, emailed, messaged, sent gifts, spent time, travelled, accompanied, listened, hugged, and was there. No show of support was too small. I was fortunate to have the space to prepare, work through and process this journey. Leaving my previous employer and starting my own business was a blessing in disguise as well. Having the time to focus on the appointments, tests and the comfort to take it all in without the stress of having to show up for work every day and deal with clients, deadlines, and just the daily grind has been the most fantastic coincidence of all. But now, I have to take all that energy I had to beat cancer and focus it on making some money! I'm excited to be able to focus on something new, but there's so many things to deal with. First, I'm fatigued by the whole explanation of the last several months. The business laundry has been piling up and now I must sort it all out and get it done. I'm afraid of failure with my new gig. I can't even tell you what I do or what my business is doing because I haven't quite figured it out. I've had a few clients to help me stay distracted and bring in coffee money (that's about as much as I've made), which I appreciate to no end. But now I have to jump in to the hustle of dialing in those services and pitch myself to the world. Again, I'm so fortunate to have a wealth of support and resources. It's just a matter of getting the momentum going.

So ya'll, cheers to no cancer, huzzah to getting some dough rolling through the door, and catch me on the water paddle boarding!