All Dan wanted for his birthday was to have the Thoracic surgeon tell me today that I didn't have lung cancer, but instead lymphoma. Lymphoma is much easier to treat, has much better outcomes, etc.

Well, he got an even better birthday present. The amazing doctor looked at the biopsy results and what it boils down to is that....

I don't have cancer.

I don't have cancer

But also, I don't-don't have cancer.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The biopsy sample didn't uncover any malignant cancer cells. However there were a bunch of immune cells. So something is going on, no one knows what exactly. The mass on the initial CT scan was my enlarged lymph node. The high metabolic activity on the PET scan was my lymph node. However, going in to scoop out and investigate, there's no cancer cells. There's also no infection. And with no other symptoms other than night sweats, there is no indication of why my lymph node is begging for attention and looking like cancer. There was one small humm on the biopsy (which the results weren't released to me). There apparently were a FEW dead cells. Dead cells often surround tumors when they grow huge and kill off the surrounding resources. So with that, there were a few, but the CT scan doesn't show anything that would be large enough to kill off the surrounding tissues. And per the doc, typical lymphoma lymph nodes are HUGE. But mine is enlarged. Not normal, certainly enlarged, but not cancerous ginormous.

So what do we do from here? Now that something has been found, we can't ignore it. I was given a few options: repeat the biopsy; do a bit more invasive biopsy that can gather bigger samples; or wait and re-scan to see if the lymph node is bigger or smaller after 3 months. I elected for the wait and see. The CT re-scan will help look to see if anything has changed. If there is an aggressive cancer, things will look bigger and more spread out on my new scan. Or, things can get smaller or go back to normal. From there, we shall determine what to do.

I'm afraid to say that I have a cancer "scare" because this still could be cancer. And it's crazy to think that the doctor told me that this is one of the hardest news to deliver. "There's something wrong but we don't know what it is or why, and we have no answers." I really do like a good old fashioned diagnosis. Diagnosis is followed by treatment, a plan, and expectations. Instead, my body has decided to completely embody the unicorn magna carta and just be.... non confirmative. So, unless the inflammation grows or I start feeling ill or having ANY symptoms, we're just going to say that weekends in San Diego are to be had with caution because they can start a slippery slope to scary things. Either that or I am just a very unique person who continues to astound and surprise my doctor every year.

The few folks that I've told about the update first responded with "but what does that mean?" And perhaps you have the same question. I don't know, I'm exhausted by the wait and see, let's figure it out, results are pending, we're not sure. What today's visit means is that I don't currently have cancer per the biopsy. But I also DON'T not have cancer. I could still have cancer that is in early stages. I could have cancer that existed right beyond the biopsy needle's range. Or, my lymph nodes are taking issue with some unknown stressor and are angry. Or, I'm perfectly healthy and my lymph node will always stay larger than the rest. Perhaps this is a sign of an autoimmune disorder which is starting a dirty deed but not putting me under.

Maybe, just maybe, I am loved and cared for and there is some magic in this world that is making my journey ahead a bit smoother.

Whatever it is, I'm heading in to watch a movie with Dan and the boys for his birthday. I'll be off cell and if I haven't or don't respond for a bit to any outreach, it's because I'm still processing and wondering WTF myself. And being a loving wife and mother taking the family time necessary to continue the fab relationship I have with my most amazing humans.

<3