Quite a few of you have been asking for updates and checking in. I appreciate it. After the meeting with the thoracic surgeon where I got the totally confusing inconclusive answer of, "something's going on, we're not sure what it is, but we didn't find cancer cells in your biopsy," I've been dealing with what the heck that means. It felt like emotional whiplash. I called up and ran to my therapist the next day to ask her how to to tell everyone "it's not cancer, but it's not not cancer." Because the only words that ever follow that are, what the heck does that mean. And for me, did that mean I just caused everyone unnecessary guilt and worry? Have I burdened folks by taking them on this journey with me? Did I tell people too early that I had cancer? Have cancer? Maybe have cancer? And the guilt of that made the visible relief and joy all of you lovely wonderful people have expressed at the news was tearing at my heart and just making me feel - bad. Thankfully for my therapist, instead of the thoroughly confusing, "it's not cancer, it's not not cancer" answer to the biopsy results, I will stick with the simple truth - the results were inconclusive. That's all. There was no evidence of cancer, but there IS something going on. It's now not Karen has CANCER, it's Karen is going through a cancer scare. There is 100% an enlarged lymph node. There's cellular metabolic activity on the PET scan. I have a ton of of antibodies/immune cells in my station 7 lymph node. And, they also found a few dead cells. Sometimes tumors and cancer can be such a greedy little parasite that it will consume all the resources from the healthy cells around it, killing those healthy cells off. Now, they didn't find a ton, but the fact that there was some there, the thoracic surgeon said is a flag that leaves cancer on the table as a possibility.

And, regarding the guilt and smidge of shame with this whiplash of emotions I've been feeling and we've all been experiencing, my therapist kindly brought to my attention that I am a verbal processer who loves to share. So in bringing you along into this journey, having the support and kind loving attention of all of you has allowed me to share and lighten my burden of these last couple of months. So thank you- thank you all. Thank you for helping me through this. Thank you for your compassion, support, understanding, grief, joy and concern. I will not try to feel guilty, unworthy or any negative way about my role in your life. Many hands make light work, and for me, many ears and friends make my life easier, happier and better. Thank you.

So what's next? Well, there are several options. First the surgeon asked if I wanted to do the biopsy again. Get another sample. Even though it wasn't a terrible procedure, I trust the doctor and respect her ability to go in and do her job well. There's a saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, when we're shoving cameras and needles down my chest, it's not something I'm signing up to do as an option for funsies. There's another biopsy procedure that they could do instead. It used to be the primary way they would biopsy for this, but with the ebus being less invasive with essentially the same results, the ebus is preferred. The difference would be instead of going down my windpipe and shoving a needle through that into my lymph node, they would instead make an inch to two inch incision at the bottom of my throat and follow my bronchial tube along the outside to get to the lymph node. Because they're not having to penetrate through the windpipe for a sample, they'd be able to get a much larger cell sample. It is a bit more invasive but would still be an outpatient same day procedure with a few extra days of recovery afterwards. Again, not having many symptoms and feeling like a normal healthy happy human being, I am opting not to take this measure until I feel like perhaps I want a different, more conclusive answer.

So the third and chosen answer is to wait. We are waiting the minimal three month period from my last scan and redo a normal CT scan. From there we can proceed based on the results. If the mass/lymph node or any other nodules/tumors have grown in size, I'll elect to proceed with the more invasive biopsy (again, doing the same thing and expecting results is not the chance I want to take, let's get aggressive and have more info). If nothing has changed in size and I continue to feel fine, we will move into a six month rescan timeframe. And if by some stroke of luck, things become smaller, we will breathe a sigh of relief and probably walk away until we have reason to take a look again.

The best news is that the thoracic surgeon said that with my complete lack of risk factors for lung cancer and the fact that the largest mass they saw on the scans is actually my enlarged lymph node and not a lung tumor (no idea why this was JUST told to me), lung cancer is OFF THE TABLE! This is the one thing I feel comfortable celebrating. No more thoughts of dying off in 5 years or being so sickly and ill with a terrible cancer. If anything, the doc said I'm a candidate for Lymphoma. And with that diagnosis, he said he's so relieved at my age and with all things we've seen, that the worst case scenario is a treatable, manageable, high survival rate cancer.

My next scan is scheduled is July 7th (apparently the 7th & 12th are Karen Cancer Scare Lottery #'s). My regular doc is also having me do a TB test just to rule out one other odd possibility.

So good news overall, but it's been really rough on my mentally the last few weeks. I've put on about 10 lbs in emotional eating and being very introverted/quiet while I deal with my own processing of the news. It's a cancer scare and results are currently inconclusive pending further imaging/testing. <3